Some
affairs are very short-lived; the person involved gets no more attached
than any of us were to the XFL. Others involve much more emotion. When
your partner is involved in the latter, it’s appropriate to give them
time to grieve.
1. Confront Your Partner
In the hypothetical, How To Stop An Affair handbook
(hypothetically written by Hilary Clinton, Tori Spelling, and every
other single celebrity wife), the first step is the confrontation. You
must tell your spouse that you know (because, ala Friends, they
might not know you know). Unlike other confrontations — such as those
for drug or alcohol abuse — this shouldn’t include friends, children,
families, coworkers, or mother-in-laws: it should only include you and
your spouse.
2. Get To The Root Of The Affair
When people cheat, they very rarely do it for
the physicalities involved. You may worry about the beautiful women at
your husband’s gym or that chiseled coworker who shares a cubicle with
your wife, but most people cheat for emotional reasons, not physical
ones. Thus, while you aim to figure out how to stop an affair, you must
first figure out what caused an affair. Something in your marriage was
failing, and an affair is the ugly, glaring symptom.
3. Work Together On Changes
The person who has strayed from the marriage
is the one most culpable. It’s hard not to side with the person who has
been cheated on, but the cheater doesn’t entirely hold this culpability
alone: the things that lead to an affair are generally the fault of both
partners involved. A husband who cheats may have a controlling wife; a
wife who cheats may have a husband who ignores her. Whatever the
reasons, affairs are something both people have hands in.
4. Allow Your Partner To Grieve
Some affairs are very short-lived; the person
involved gets no more attached than any of us were to the XFL. Others
involve much more emotion. When your partner is involved in the latter,
it’s appropriate to give them time to grieve. This may seem unfair to
you, and quite frankly it is, but it’s also necessary. If you really
want to know how to stop an affair, you must be willing to understand
that your partner may be sad about never again seeing the other man or
other woman. Just be sure not to let them grieve for too long — acting
on edge for a week or two is reasonable, but refusing to get dressed and
singing “Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen” every night on the front
porch is a little much.
Remember — you can’t force someone to stop
having an affair but you can take the necessary steps to restore your
relationship with your partner.
——————————-Read more in Your Tango
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